Thomas,
Your essay seemed to focus on voting in America, though it did not appear to favor either of the candidates in the up-coming presidential election; rather, it informed voters [intended audience] of each candidate’s background, and political policies. The main themes of your essay are politics and the process of candidate evaluation – these themes are most commonly seen in argumentative writing; however, given that there was no conclusion, it is difficult to determine the true type of essay. This essay appears to be informative, and as such, does well to give an un-biased opinion of the candidates. The only downfall in theme that I could see was in the lack of concluding paragraph; the conclusion is the biggest part of any essay, it allows the reader insight into the writer’s world - their thought process and ideas. Without a conclusion, I don’t really know what you think of your essay, your topic, or the election in general; I don’t even know why you chose this topic.
You are clearly trying to inform [an audience of voters]; your unbiased facts about both candidates put a refreshing spin on the essay, giving it a more understanding, less judging, feel. At the same time, you are using comparison to allow people to make their own choice of a candidate – giving information regarding why each man is eligible and worthy of the presidency, in their own, unique way without saying ‘you should vote for…’ I felt as though the purpose of your paper was most clearly felt while reading the two paragraphs [one per candidate] that detailed the specific policies of each man, as well as the beliefs behind them. I was surprised to learn that Barack Obama came from a divorced family; also that McCain had gone to the Naval Academy in Annapolis. I had not thought of Palin’s background in handling economically and environmentally challenging situations as a benefit to her that could counter her lack of political experience on the presidential circuit. Your essay did make me think quite a bit about how close this presidential election will be, and how each vote will matter.
Your audience is voters, possibly young voters, ages 18-25, who have the lowest voting rate in the United States; perhaps you are trying to get more young voters ‘into the game.’ Your audience could be academic, but is most likely uneducated Americans, as you provide generic information about candidates, rather than high-powered, specified facts. Your group appears to be a larger community, due to a lack of specific information – when writing for one particular group, say, young voters, you would look specifically at each candidate’s policies on college funding, or lower tax brackets. The lack of specific detail allows a reader to gain insight to your paper, it is clear that your topic is broad because your facts are generalized, and non-opinionated. Perhaps your group is comprised of uneducated individuals; then there would be reason to present a clear, well thought-out, well written essay with simple, easily related facts, and unbiased information.
The tone of your essay is more colloquial and non-formal, you are clearly seeking to fit in, to be heard as a member of a community, as a fellow voter, rather than someone on a platform. You want to be acknowledged, not ignored, but you don’t want to preach. You enjoy using emphasis, but often find have it inappropriately placed. I can almost imagine you talking with your friends, saying all of this, using little ‘bunny ears’ before and after every quote, rolling your eyes like I’m sure you do when you parents say that they love you – or at least, that’s what I do when they start to talk in general. I feel like you are not as interested in conveying your points as you are fitting-in in the first paragraph, but as the paper goes on, this gradually chances to a tone of seriousness, and almost reverence for the topic you have chosen. Your syntax and diction are not academic or controversial; they are more colloquial, and definitely unique in the fact that you tend to transition from the slang to a more archaic form of dialogue, in which you impart all of your facts. I feel like as you write a conclusion, try to go for that more open, ‘cool’, colloquial persona, to make this essay a real stand out.
My BIGGEST recommendation for you is to go back through your essay and eliminate all punctuation, grammar, and spelling errors to start with; going on to correct emphases and delete repeated phrases. This essay also NEEDS a conclusion or at least some sort of ‘tying up’ of loose ends. Also, work a little on diction; a better vocabulary would come in handy during the factual parts of this essay. OVERALL, great work and easy read!! :D
Sincerely,
Katie Winand
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Essays: The Definition
What is a good essay?
A good essay is an 'albino bigfoot', or more commonly, 'the only striped elephant in the room.' It must be free of spelling, grammar, and syntax errors; it must be long enough to cover all of the bases, but short enough to hold the attention of the most absent-minded. It must be straight-forward enough to be understood, but not give anything away for free. It needs to engage readers, but not distract with cheap theatrics.
The most important part of any essay, in my opinion, is the introduction. It's almost comparable to a dance - you must catch the attention of the audience from the very first step, pull out all of the stops, let it all go, if you want to earn their respect - then you can move into the more intricate, and less pulse-pounding portions of your display. The introduction is the part of the piece that will truly delve into the soul - giving the clearest insite about the author. It is here that the reader can truly relate - and it is here that they will decide whether or not to read the next word, or sentence, or the rest of the piece.
My Essay...well, there is little truth to that statement, seeing as I haven't actually finished my essay yet. I am however; off to a very strong start, and planning on finishing as strongly as I've begun. What needs to be fixed thus far:
1) Transitions - there is one thing that every writer trips over in all of their literary efforts, and mine appears to be transitions. The fact that I can identify this problem makes it 10x easier to identify on paper.
2) I need to tweak my relevance of my introduction a little, it still doesn't have a completely clear purpose or audience, but this again will most likely change with a little more time and work.
This is all that I have so far, I hope it's what you were looking for!
A good essay is an 'albino bigfoot', or more commonly, 'the only striped elephant in the room.' It must be free of spelling, grammar, and syntax errors; it must be long enough to cover all of the bases, but short enough to hold the attention of the most absent-minded. It must be straight-forward enough to be understood, but not give anything away for free. It needs to engage readers, but not distract with cheap theatrics.
The most important part of any essay, in my opinion, is the introduction. It's almost comparable to a dance - you must catch the attention of the audience from the very first step, pull out all of the stops, let it all go, if you want to earn their respect - then you can move into the more intricate, and less pulse-pounding portions of your display. The introduction is the part of the piece that will truly delve into the soul - giving the clearest insite about the author. It is here that the reader can truly relate - and it is here that they will decide whether or not to read the next word, or sentence, or the rest of the piece.
My Essay...well, there is little truth to that statement, seeing as I haven't actually finished my essay yet. I am however; off to a very strong start, and planning on finishing as strongly as I've begun. What needs to be fixed thus far:
1) Transitions - there is one thing that every writer trips over in all of their literary efforts, and mine appears to be transitions. The fact that I can identify this problem makes it 10x easier to identify on paper.
2) I need to tweak my relevance of my introduction a little, it still doesn't have a completely clear purpose or audience, but this again will most likely change with a little more time and work.
This is all that I have so far, I hope it's what you were looking for!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Response to Proposal Notes...
Hey there! After a full read through of the comments, I decided to start at the end and work my way to the beginning - skipping the cover letters and the abstract, because both did not have edits.
For the references, I used citation machine, and I noticed the issue with first and last names as something that I must have mistakenly entered incorrectly. As for the lack of indentation, that was my mistake again, because these are not new things to me - I have heard most of them before.
I do like to use dashes in my writing; I feel like those, more than anything else, all me to connect my writing without showing the thought processes involved in the connection, which probably isn't the best way to go about doing things.
Sexual discrimination is an issue in the sport horse community, but I understand how you mean that it can be distracting, however, I wanted to use at least a part of the research that I have already done in my proposal, only I feel that this might not have been the best place to use it. I need to work on coming more to terms with my own writing style, and try to use this organization to fit in different topics without confusing the readers.
I could definitly do a table for the budget, possible a chart or other graphic organizer.
In the Methodology section, there are some problems. I believe that most everything could be cleaned up by making a second section for the first paragraph, perhaps something like a description of the print resources used for this project. Then I could single out the specific methods, in my methodology section and there would be a lot less confusion.
The biggest question that I noted was the differences between the idenitification and correction of the weakness/problems addressed. It has been my understanding that a company will not employ someone to tell the what there problem is, if that person cannot also tell them how to fix it. This might be my own misconception, but I believe that the two go hand in hand, and are both relevant for the research proposal.
I like to give background information, in that Show Jumping Inc. executive committee might not even remember something like the origins of the sport, or even better yet, of the organization. I would also like to establish the fact that I have done some research already, and I know a good deal of information about their company; basically, this is what I have already learned, I'm not some schmuck off the street. I wanted, more than anything, to make a good impression, right from the start.
I did forget to put up the dates of the Enclosure acts - ooops :P!
As for the initial comments, I guess I feel like longer sentences allow me to get in everything that is needed, without making transitions a necessity. It is the same issue for the '/' and the '-'; I am trying to put too much into the same sentence to avoid having to use my transitional phrases. I like to combine ideas in my head, but the area of similarity never quite makes it to the paper, especially when I use the dash. It's definitly something to give a lot of thought to as I make corrections.
Thanks for looking everything over - and thanks for the helpful comments :D!!!
For the references, I used citation machine, and I noticed the issue with first and last names as something that I must have mistakenly entered incorrectly. As for the lack of indentation, that was my mistake again, because these are not new things to me - I have heard most of them before.
I do like to use dashes in my writing; I feel like those, more than anything else, all me to connect my writing without showing the thought processes involved in the connection, which probably isn't the best way to go about doing things.
Sexual discrimination is an issue in the sport horse community, but I understand how you mean that it can be distracting, however, I wanted to use at least a part of the research that I have already done in my proposal, only I feel that this might not have been the best place to use it. I need to work on coming more to terms with my own writing style, and try to use this organization to fit in different topics without confusing the readers.
I could definitly do a table for the budget, possible a chart or other graphic organizer.
In the Methodology section, there are some problems. I believe that most everything could be cleaned up by making a second section for the first paragraph, perhaps something like a description of the print resources used for this project. Then I could single out the specific methods, in my methodology section and there would be a lot less confusion.
The biggest question that I noted was the differences between the idenitification and correction of the weakness/problems addressed. It has been my understanding that a company will not employ someone to tell the what there problem is, if that person cannot also tell them how to fix it. This might be my own misconception, but I believe that the two go hand in hand, and are both relevant for the research proposal.
I like to give background information, in that Show Jumping Inc. executive committee might not even remember something like the origins of the sport, or even better yet, of the organization. I would also like to establish the fact that I have done some research already, and I know a good deal of information about their company; basically, this is what I have already learned, I'm not some schmuck off the street. I wanted, more than anything, to make a good impression, right from the start.
I did forget to put up the dates of the Enclosure acts - ooops :P!
As for the initial comments, I guess I feel like longer sentences allow me to get in everything that is needed, without making transitions a necessity. It is the same issue for the '/' and the '-'; I am trying to put too much into the same sentence to avoid having to use my transitional phrases. I like to combine ideas in my head, but the area of similarity never quite makes it to the paper, especially when I use the dash. It's definitly something to give a lot of thought to as I make corrections.
Thanks for looking everything over - and thanks for the helpful comments :D!!!
Essay Evaluation - Now that my blog is working again!
So here are the evaluations from the set of three out-of-class essay readings; I didn't put them up before because my blog wasn't working. ENJOY!
1) "Silent Dancing"
Through out this piece I noted strong imagery - '...sofa and chairs are square and hard-looking, upholstered in bright colors (blue and yellow in this instance...).' It was clear that the author used similes and metaphors to stress keys points, rather than another method of distinction. I feel like though all of these essays seem to tell a story, this particular piece did NOT have a clear plot line, or a prominant direction. The focus shifted between several main ideas - assimilation, sexual roles/prejudices, and racial discrimination - but never 'landed' on anything. I did notice, however, that the author provided a great deal of useful background information, as well as following up most of her ideas with explanations and examples. One thing that I didn't understand, after reading the essay, was the title: Why was this piece called 'Silent Dancing'?
2) "The Stunt Pilot"
I noted that the grammar and format of this essage seemed to be more 'proper' than either of the others - a definition that set it apart, in my eyes. There also seemed to be a captivating, yet completely clear and well explained story-line (a little melancholy in my opinion). Every idea and aspect was well thought-out and covered, something that I feel was missing in the first reading. The imagery and word choice in this piece was phenomenal - 'Robed in his airplane, he was as featureless as a priest.' Over all, this was my most favored of the essays.
3) "Ali in Havana"
My first opinion of this essay - before I started reading it, was that it was about a girl; this little misunderstanding had a great deal to do with how I saw the essay initially. The topic of this essay I saw as risky and controversial, but very well attempted, and overall incredibly successful. Beginning background gives a good idea of the theme and mood of the essay, but it did make me wonder the following: What would I have thought if I hadn't read it? Did it influense my opinion of the essay at all - perhaps prevent me from forming some of my own conclusions? The imagery in this piece too, was very well styled and articulate, however, it was not as ornate nor as entertaining as that of "The Stunt Pilot."
There they are - over and out!
1) "Silent Dancing"
Through out this piece I noted strong imagery - '...sofa and chairs are square and hard-looking, upholstered in bright colors (blue and yellow in this instance...).' It was clear that the author used similes and metaphors to stress keys points, rather than another method of distinction. I feel like though all of these essays seem to tell a story, this particular piece did NOT have a clear plot line, or a prominant direction. The focus shifted between several main ideas - assimilation, sexual roles/prejudices, and racial discrimination - but never 'landed' on anything. I did notice, however, that the author provided a great deal of useful background information, as well as following up most of her ideas with explanations and examples. One thing that I didn't understand, after reading the essay, was the title: Why was this piece called 'Silent Dancing'?
2) "The Stunt Pilot"
I noted that the grammar and format of this essage seemed to be more 'proper' than either of the others - a definition that set it apart, in my eyes. There also seemed to be a captivating, yet completely clear and well explained story-line (a little melancholy in my opinion). Every idea and aspect was well thought-out and covered, something that I feel was missing in the first reading. The imagery and word choice in this piece was phenomenal - 'Robed in his airplane, he was as featureless as a priest.' Over all, this was my most favored of the essays.
3) "Ali in Havana"
My first opinion of this essay - before I started reading it, was that it was about a girl; this little misunderstanding had a great deal to do with how I saw the essay initially. The topic of this essay I saw as risky and controversial, but very well attempted, and overall incredibly successful. Beginning background gives a good idea of the theme and mood of the essay, but it did make me wonder the following: What would I have thought if I hadn't read it? Did it influense my opinion of the essay at all - perhaps prevent me from forming some of my own conclusions? The imagery in this piece too, was very well styled and articulate, however, it was not as ornate nor as entertaining as that of "The Stunt Pilot."
There they are - over and out!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Literary Review
This is my literary review - I'm not sure that it's entirely correct or accurate, but here goes!
I originally checked out "The Performance Mare" as a pleasure reading book, but after reading into the jumping section, I realized its valure to my project. The section titled 'The Show Mare,' is the only portion of this book that I will be using. This section gives an overview of the number of mares [percentages] that participate in high level equestrian sports. It then breaks down into jumping, dressage, and combined training to give more specific data. In the jumping section, it goes on to describe two of the most famous mares of the 2oth century, and then gives a description of the ideal jumping mare, later countering this by saying that both top mares were built completely 'wrong.' In other parts of the section it tells the reader that the eye of the judge passes over mares, to land more favorably on stallions and geldings. Knowing this, and the statistic that less than 20% of top show-jumping mounts are mares, one can begin to realize a giganitic pitfall of today's show-jumping community - possibly even of today's horse industry in general. Mares are viewed as the weaker, and thus less valued sex.
One of the most important points in the section was the 20% - a number that has almost quadrupled since the 1980's, giving rise to the [correct] assumption that mares are coming into popularity. This book also makes another important point in saying that mares, in general, do not jump as well as geldings and stallions, due primarily to muscleclature. The courses at today's most prestigeous events were made for the modern showjumper, said to be an incredibly powerful, [well-muscled] animal.
A point not acknowledged by this book is the effect of this sexual discrimintation on the show-jumping community. I believe that this low percentage of mares might actually show a bigger problem in the equestrian world. If more mare owners feel less compelled to compete due to judge bias, the whole world looses a potential equine superstar, the next Halla, or Touch of Class. And the show-jumping community looses a talented team, as well as fans, potential sponsors, etc. Could this sexual bias be a factor in the lack of unity of that seems to plague the U.S. show-jumping community?
I'd like to find out!
I originally checked out "The Performance Mare" as a pleasure reading book, but after reading into the jumping section, I realized its valure to my project. The section titled 'The Show Mare,' is the only portion of this book that I will be using. This section gives an overview of the number of mares [percentages] that participate in high level equestrian sports. It then breaks down into jumping, dressage, and combined training to give more specific data. In the jumping section, it goes on to describe two of the most famous mares of the 2oth century, and then gives a description of the ideal jumping mare, later countering this by saying that both top mares were built completely 'wrong.' In other parts of the section it tells the reader that the eye of the judge passes over mares, to land more favorably on stallions and geldings. Knowing this, and the statistic that less than 20% of top show-jumping mounts are mares, one can begin to realize a giganitic pitfall of today's show-jumping community - possibly even of today's horse industry in general. Mares are viewed as the weaker, and thus less valued sex.
One of the most important points in the section was the 20% - a number that has almost quadrupled since the 1980's, giving rise to the [correct] assumption that mares are coming into popularity. This book also makes another important point in saying that mares, in general, do not jump as well as geldings and stallions, due primarily to muscleclature. The courses at today's most prestigeous events were made for the modern showjumper, said to be an incredibly powerful, [well-muscled] animal.
A point not acknowledged by this book is the effect of this sexual discrimintation on the show-jumping community. I believe that this low percentage of mares might actually show a bigger problem in the equestrian world. If more mare owners feel less compelled to compete due to judge bias, the whole world looses a potential equine superstar, the next Halla, or Touch of Class. And the show-jumping community looses a talented team, as well as fans, potential sponsors, etc. Could this sexual bias be a factor in the lack of unity of that seems to plague the U.S. show-jumping community?
I'd like to find out!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Interviews, cont'd...
Today I was driving past Walnut Spring and I thought that I'd just stop by for a minute to see if they had checked into my request to board there. Needless to say, I got to meet the owner, Carol Gwin, who is the coach of the Radford Redcoats riding team, as well as the former president of SWVHJA (pronounced by the horse community as 'swavja') for 2004 and 2005, and I am going to move Maddie there just as soon as Farmingdale will allow. I know for some people this must seem like a sudden 360, but in reality, it has nothing to do with Farmingdale. They are, and will continue to be, near and dear to my heart, but it's time for me to move on, to move Madonna to a barn that will help us work toward my Olympic goals. Walnut Spring hosts 5 horse shows per year, all of which are affiliated with the Blue Ridge Horse Force, a prominent power in the mountains of SW Virginia. The barn also hosts 30+ riding teams for Intercollegiate horse shows at least once per semester!
As I listened to Carol tell her story, I realized that there are things there that I can use to further my research. Carol has owned and operated Walnut Spring for over 15 years, and she was born and raised in good old B-burg. She keeps a good working relationship with the owners of most of the other barns in the area, as well as ties to all of the prominent organziations that touch the valley. One of her biggest accomplishments comes with seeing the numbers of people competing in the last SWVHJA show, the season finale. In her opinion, it is a huge, community building event; "I really do think that we had more members active and competing in our SWVHJA finale that the VHSA (Virginia Horse Show Assoc.) did, and that's really saying something."
The more I heard, the more I realized what a valuable source I had in Carol, and that, in her words, "For the most part, SWVHJA ends here, and over at the Tech barn, with T. McDonald." I feel like I have gotten some amazing information, and for once, I really do believe that this was just the most incredible day! I know that it is surprising that I have any interview information up, but this was too good to not post tonight. See everyone in class!
As I listened to Carol tell her story, I realized that there are things there that I can use to further my research. Carol has owned and operated Walnut Spring for over 15 years, and she was born and raised in good old B-burg. She keeps a good working relationship with the owners of most of the other barns in the area, as well as ties to all of the prominent organziations that touch the valley. One of her biggest accomplishments comes with seeing the numbers of people competing in the last SWVHJA show, the season finale. In her opinion, it is a huge, community building event; "I really do think that we had more members active and competing in our SWVHJA finale that the VHSA (Virginia Horse Show Assoc.) did, and that's really saying something."
The more I heard, the more I realized what a valuable source I had in Carol, and that, in her words, "For the most part, SWVHJA ends here, and over at the Tech barn, with T. McDonald." I feel like I have gotten some amazing information, and for once, I really do believe that this was just the most incredible day! I know that it is surprising that I have any interview information up, but this was too good to not post tonight. See everyone in class!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Site Visits/Interviews
I am in the process of redefining my topic - I would now like to focus on the NRV's show jumping community. I am also looking into the connection to the Blue Ridge Eventing Association, as well as the out-reach into other horse communities. There is a big connection between the NRV and HITS Culpeper (one of the most prestigeous competitions in show-jumping VA). I will be looking to interview (in the near future), members of the local show-jumping community, as well as - if possible, members of the American GrandPrix Association - the national Olympic show jumping basis. I would also like to interview a member of the Stadium Jumping, Inc. group, which does all of the behind-the-scenes work for the major events of the 'Olympic Show Jumping tour'. Though I have not yet started this section of my research, I plan to finish and record both interviews by Friday's class.
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