FEED BACK!!!

Thomas,

Your essay seemed to focus on voting in America, though it did not appear to favor either of the candidates in the up-coming presidential election; rather, it informed voters [intended audience] of each candidate’s background, and political policies. The main themes of your essay are politics and the process of candidate evaluation – these themes are most commonly seen in argumentative writing; however, given that there was no conclusion, it is difficult to determine the true type of essay. This essay appears to be informative, and as such, does well to give an un-biased opinion of the candidates. The only downfall in theme that I could see was in the lack of concluding paragraph; the conclusion is the biggest part of any essay, it allows the reader insight into the writer’s world - their thought process and ideas. Without a conclusion, I don’t really know what you think of your essay, your topic, or the election in general; I don’t even know why you chose this topic.
You are clearly trying to inform [an audience of voters]; your unbiased facts about both candidates put a refreshing spin on the essay, giving it a more understanding, less judging, feel. At the same time, you are using comparison to allow people to make their own choice of a candidate – giving information regarding why each man is eligible and worthy of the presidency, in their own, unique way without saying ‘you should vote for…’ I felt as though the purpose of your paper was most clearly felt while reading the two paragraphs [one per candidate] that detailed the specific policies of each man, as well as the beliefs behind them. I was surprised to learn that Barack Obama came from a divorced family; also that McCain had gone to the Naval Academy in Annapolis. I had not thought of Palin’s background in handling economically and environmentally challenging situations as a benefit to her that could counter her lack of political experience on the presidential circuit. Your essay did make me think quite a bit about how close this presidential election will be, and how each vote will matter.
Your audience is voters, possibly young voters, ages 18-25, who have the lowest voting rate in the United States; perhaps you are trying to get more young voters ‘into the game.’ Your audience could be academic, but is most likely uneducated Americans, as you provide generic information about candidates, rather than high-powered, specified facts. Your group appears to be a larger community, due to a lack of specific information – when writing for one particular group, say, young voters, you would look specifically at each candidate’s policies on college funding, or lower tax brackets. The lack of specific detail allows a reader to gain insight to your paper, it is clear that your topic is broad because your facts are generalized, and non-opinionated. Perhaps your group is comprised of uneducated individuals; then there would be reason to present a clear, well thought-out, well written essay with simple, easily related facts, and unbiased information.
The tone of your essay is more colloquial and non-formal, you are clearly seeking to fit in, to be heard as a member of a community, as a fellow voter, rather than someone on a platform. You want to be acknowledged, not ignored, but you don’t want to preach. You enjoy using emphasis, but often find have it inappropriately placed. I can almost imagine you talking with your friends, saying all of this, using little ‘bunny ears’ before and after every quote, rolling your eyes like I’m sure you do when you parents say that they love you – or at least, that’s what I do when they start to talk in general. I feel like you are not as interested in conveying your points as you are fitting-in in the first paragraph, but as the paper goes on, this gradually chances to a tone of seriousness, and almost reverence for the topic you have chosen. Your syntax and diction are not academic or controversial; they are more colloquial, and definitely unique in the fact that you tend to transition from the slang to a more archaic form of dialogue, in which you impart all of your facts. I feel like as you write a conclusion, try to go for that more open, ‘cool’, colloquial persona, to make this essay a real stand out.
My BIGGEST recommendation for you is to go back through your essay and eliminate all punctuation, grammar, and spelling errors to start with; going on to correct emphases and delete repeated phrases. This essay also NEEDS a conclusion or at least some sort of ‘tying up’ of loose ends. Also, work a little on diction; a better vocabulary would come in handy during the factual parts of this essay. OVERALL, great work and easy read!! :D
Sincerely,
Katie Winand