Feedback for Portfolio Essays: A caption of what I wrote!

Here's my evalutation of the writing, just a little caption for my blog to document the work being done on the portfolios and the portfolio evaulations!

I’m going to answer all of the questions for the Introduction, and then all of the other essays, in the order that they were in on the portfolio assignment. The Introduction, I saw as a great piece, in and of itself – lots of specific and valuable information, but the ‘packaging’ of this information is what really needs to be improved. There were more than a few spelling, grammar, and syntax errors that need to be corrected; however, as a whole, this reads very provocatively, and the argument is definitely there.

Again for the Reflection, I believe that the argument is there, with specific information – I really liked how you showed the evolution of your sources from several more biased news stations, to the less politically influenced, more straight information sources. There are some typing errors in this essay, but overall, this was the best written of the three. I really would like to know the revisions of the essay, but it seems that this one is in CA? Not totally sure what that’s all about, but I hope you get it back in time to put it in the portfolio!

The Conclusion needs a little ‘beefing up’ before you hand it in. There are some minor errors in spelling, grammar, and syntax, but overall, it read just as well as the second essay. I also noted some incorrect capitalization with the first and last paragraphs that needs to be corrected. This one could use some more specific information, such as the information that you used to highlight the argument in the first two essays. The conclusion as an essay is not as provocative as the first two essay, which is something that needs to be worked on, as the conclusion is the last thing that the reader will come across while analyzing your portfolio.

Feedback for presentations...A little late...

So, here is my feedback for the presentations before Thanksgiving - sorry about them being a little late, but I had a huge lab practical this week, so I've been super busy studying!

Travis:
-Great eye contact and speech, very informative
-try to vary tone, maybe tell a joke to maintain interest
-nicely dressed for presentation

Kayvan:
-interesting project - love the pictures!!!
-good letter, only 1-2 small grammatical/syntax errors
-survey was interesting - some numbering was a little off, but very cleaver idea overall
-maybe stick with brochures to give people on drillfield

Ben:
-very controversial topic - cool website/petition!
-great 'game plan', super interesting, and very creative
-try to look up at audience more while reading, I know that sounds wierd, but basically just try to look up every so often to let the audience know you still acknowledge them.

Mary Eileen:
-good outfit
-audience needs to be a little clearer, but overall great idea.
-I loved that your letter reads easily and is extremely captivating - great job!
-very catchy flyer - definitly attracts attention.

Taylor:
-Nice pictures and quotes, definitly attention-getting
-try to bring note cards so you don't have to look down to read slides.

Here they are, ENJOY!!!

Speech Writing...The ideas of others :D

Speech Writing Online: Tips from the Professionals!

"Speech writing and delivery isn't just for politicians." ~ Lou "The News Guy" Giansante and speechwriter Karen Finney.

On the website 'Writing with Writers,' there is an online seminar course that the public can take for speech writing, in which the experts give advice on the 'how-to's' of the subject.
Step 1: Write It
Step 2: Say It
Step 3: Record It

The second source I found was questionable, based on the website - speechtips.com - however, upon visiting it, I did find some helpful tips!

Section 1 - How to write a speech

Planning a speech

Public speaking occasion
The speech theme
The people

Writing a speech

Speech structure
Outline
Drafts
Feedback
Final version

Speeches/Speech Writers: Who's Who!

Patrick Henry - 'Give Me Liberty, or Give Me Death!' (March 23 1775)

"It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, Peace, Peace-- but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? What is it that gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"

My favorite part of one of the most powerful speeches in all of history - is this not the pinnacle of the art?!

John F. Kennedy - 'The Berlin Address' (June 26 1963)

"Freedom is indivisible, and when one man is enslaved, all are not free. When all are free, then we can look forward to that day when this city will be joined as one and this country and this great Continent of Europe in a peaceful and hopeful globe. When that day finally comes, as it will, the people of West Berlin can take sober satisfaction in the fact that they were in the front lines for almost two decades.All free men, wherever they may live, are citizens of Berlin, and, therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words "Ich bin ein Berliner.""

This is another favorite, but mostly because in the closing line, Kennedy calls himself a jelly-filled doughnut (ein Berliner)!

Well, that's pretty much it for speech writing - hope you enjoyed the glimpse into history and one of the oldest yet most effective forms of communication!

Over and out!

The Concepts of Audience Blog Entry (Creative, I know...)

Ok, so without further adue, here are my thoughts:

Audience: College freshman interested in continuing riding through out their college experience; college students interested in riding either on an Intercollegiate team, or through the school, college students interested in riding in the community [non-college related]. Basically, collegiate riders.

Purpose: To inform students about riding programs and opportunities for continued education, university-funded and recreational/community.

Exigence: A high percentage of talented young riders quit riding or become frustrated with the sport when they are unable to find places to ride during college. Some people prefer a quiter, non-show atmosphere to let down after a stressful year on the show circuit, whereas others are busting at the seems, ready to show at the higher levels. The university sponsored teams and the community's own private instructors are available to remedy this problem, but they need to be addressed - in some way, information about said programs should be communicated to college students.

Genres: This is the only topic that I wasn't totally clear on. Some suggested topics/genres were a flyer to publicize collegiate equestrian information sessions, a handout to give students/participants that includes contact information for people at the university and in the community, as well as information about local equestrian events, university teams, and highlighted shows, and/or a written speech introducing the topics covered in the presentation, as well as speakers, and the reason for the presentation, etc.

Here are my thoughts and ideas...

Essay Feedback - Sorry it's late...

So here is my response to your feedback on my essay - I did find a few of your comments and suggestions very interesting.

First, your idea about turning my first few sentences into a paragraph was amusing to be, mostly because I had only used the idea as a bit of an attention getter, not really as it's own separate idea. However, upon rethinking this, I realized that you have a good point - introducing the horse world to outsiders will be easier if I can talk on a level that they will understand - using an example as widely known as the Olympics should help the outside world bring things into focus.

I can definitly expand the stumbling metaphor - I actually originally thought of it while in class, when you asked us to write down another part of the essay with more action words, and stumbling was the first word that popped into my head. I can try to tie in the theme of lack of funding, more, because I wasn't aware of such disunity in my writing [it truly helps to have a second, and even third pair of eyes review it].

I will try your reading it out loud idea - my Psych. major roomie did that to me a lot last year, and surprising enough, it ended up helping both of us with our writing. OHHHH-NOOO you're right! I forgot a title :(...I'm going to have to work on that...

'The Road to the Olympics: Funding and Coaching'

How's that for a good start!

Hope this reads as well as my essay :P...enjoy!!!

IDEAS...

So here is my idea...I would like to organize a seminar type presentation to help college students stick with riding at school. I would like to have the main speakers be T. McDonald and Carol Gwin, the coaches of both Intercollegiate riding teams in the area, as well as have several other private instructors from the area to meet with students and form connections. It would be beneficial for students to see that all of this support work is here for them, and it would be a great set up for recruiting for college teams, and a source of business and revenue for private instructors. All in all, my thoughs were organized as follows:

Introduction by myself, talking a little about my personal experiences, giving information about speakers and the universities/teams, and private stables.

Carol Gwin and T. McDonald give the specifics of the college experience - from the 'riding' side of things.

Question and answer session - also questions for private instructors.

Networking with food and drink after the presentation...

I see the place as the Alphin Stuart arena at Tech, but other than that, there are so many other details that I have yet to address, I hope though, that this is an acceptable start!

~ Katie

FEED BACK!!!

Thomas,

Your essay seemed to focus on voting in America, though it did not appear to favor either of the candidates in the up-coming presidential election; rather, it informed voters [intended audience] of each candidate’s background, and political policies. The main themes of your essay are politics and the process of candidate evaluation – these themes are most commonly seen in argumentative writing; however, given that there was no conclusion, it is difficult to determine the true type of essay. This essay appears to be informative, and as such, does well to give an un-biased opinion of the candidates. The only downfall in theme that I could see was in the lack of concluding paragraph; the conclusion is the biggest part of any essay, it allows the reader insight into the writer’s world - their thought process and ideas. Without a conclusion, I don’t really know what you think of your essay, your topic, or the election in general; I don’t even know why you chose this topic.
You are clearly trying to inform [an audience of voters]; your unbiased facts about both candidates put a refreshing spin on the essay, giving it a more understanding, less judging, feel. At the same time, you are using comparison to allow people to make their own choice of a candidate – giving information regarding why each man is eligible and worthy of the presidency, in their own, unique way without saying ‘you should vote for…’ I felt as though the purpose of your paper was most clearly felt while reading the two paragraphs [one per candidate] that detailed the specific policies of each man, as well as the beliefs behind them. I was surprised to learn that Barack Obama came from a divorced family; also that McCain had gone to the Naval Academy in Annapolis. I had not thought of Palin’s background in handling economically and environmentally challenging situations as a benefit to her that could counter her lack of political experience on the presidential circuit. Your essay did make me think quite a bit about how close this presidential election will be, and how each vote will matter.
Your audience is voters, possibly young voters, ages 18-25, who have the lowest voting rate in the United States; perhaps you are trying to get more young voters ‘into the game.’ Your audience could be academic, but is most likely uneducated Americans, as you provide generic information about candidates, rather than high-powered, specified facts. Your group appears to be a larger community, due to a lack of specific information – when writing for one particular group, say, young voters, you would look specifically at each candidate’s policies on college funding, or lower tax brackets. The lack of specific detail allows a reader to gain insight to your paper, it is clear that your topic is broad because your facts are generalized, and non-opinionated. Perhaps your group is comprised of uneducated individuals; then there would be reason to present a clear, well thought-out, well written essay with simple, easily related facts, and unbiased information.
The tone of your essay is more colloquial and non-formal, you are clearly seeking to fit in, to be heard as a member of a community, as a fellow voter, rather than someone on a platform. You want to be acknowledged, not ignored, but you don’t want to preach. You enjoy using emphasis, but often find have it inappropriately placed. I can almost imagine you talking with your friends, saying all of this, using little ‘bunny ears’ before and after every quote, rolling your eyes like I’m sure you do when you parents say that they love you – or at least, that’s what I do when they start to talk in general. I feel like you are not as interested in conveying your points as you are fitting-in in the first paragraph, but as the paper goes on, this gradually chances to a tone of seriousness, and almost reverence for the topic you have chosen. Your syntax and diction are not academic or controversial; they are more colloquial, and definitely unique in the fact that you tend to transition from the slang to a more archaic form of dialogue, in which you impart all of your facts. I feel like as you write a conclusion, try to go for that more open, ‘cool’, colloquial persona, to make this essay a real stand out.
My BIGGEST recommendation for you is to go back through your essay and eliminate all punctuation, grammar, and spelling errors to start with; going on to correct emphases and delete repeated phrases. This essay also NEEDS a conclusion or at least some sort of ‘tying up’ of loose ends. Also, work a little on diction; a better vocabulary would come in handy during the factual parts of this essay. OVERALL, great work and easy read!! :D
Sincerely,
Katie Winand