So here is my response to your feedback on my essay - I did find a few of your comments and suggestions very interesting.
First, your idea about turning my first few sentences into a paragraph was amusing to be, mostly because I had only used the idea as a bit of an attention getter, not really as it's own separate idea. However, upon rethinking this, I realized that you have a good point - introducing the horse world to outsiders will be easier if I can talk on a level that they will understand - using an example as widely known as the Olympics should help the outside world bring things into focus.
I can definitly expand the stumbling metaphor - I actually originally thought of it while in class, when you asked us to write down another part of the essay with more action words, and stumbling was the first word that popped into my head. I can try to tie in the theme of lack of funding, more, because I wasn't aware of such disunity in my writing [it truly helps to have a second, and even third pair of eyes review it].
I will try your reading it out loud idea - my Psych. major roomie did that to me a lot last year, and surprising enough, it ended up helping both of us with our writing. OHHHH-NOOO you're right! I forgot a title :(...I'm going to have to work on that...
'The Road to the Olympics: Funding and Coaching'
How's that for a good start!
Hope this reads as well as my essay :P...enjoy!!!
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"First, your idea about turning my first few sentences into a paragraph was amusing to be, mostly because I had only used the idea as a bit of an attention getter, not really as it's own separate idea."
You could use it as a separate idea, but I was just thinking that it would be more effective as an attention-getter if you gave us more time to be drawn in.
'The Road to the Olympics: Funding and Coaching'
It's a good start. What about funding and coaching? Can you hint at a direction in your title?
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